No statues for losers

Here is my suggestion for dealing with all of these “tear down the statues” nut jobs that are, at the moment, going after confederate soldiers as well as any other prominent historical figures who were once slave owners:

Losers get no banana

From this point forward, we have a law that says that no statue shall be erected anywhere in America that memorializes any person or group that was on the losing side of a military conflict, social issue, or other significant event. Only winners will get statues.

This new law should eliminate any arguments over whether or not a particular statue gets torn down.

In an extension of this policy, no longer would anyone get awards for not being a winner, such as no more second or third place medals, no “participation” awards for school children, and no lottery prizes unless you have ALL of the winning numbers. No more celebration of anything but unbridled success.

Of course, there may be a few problems determining whether or not somebody was actually deserving of a statue. General Custer is one obvious example (as he kind of won by losing), and Aaron Burr is another (as he kind of lost by winning).

And just to make it fair, every ten years we will have a referendum to see if the public perception of who was a winner and who was a loser has changed, so that we can keep the statue population in sync with the ever-changing morals and politics of the country.