Squat and Squabble

This email just popped up in the inbox this morning. It’s a secret, apparently.

“My Dear Friend,

My name is SGT Raymond Wilton. I am a war veteran with the United Nations troop in Afghanistan on war against terrorism. I served in the 1st Armored Division in Kabul. Based on the United States legislative and executive decision for withdrawing troops from Iraq, I have been redeployed to come and work in Kabul on the platform of North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO). Our mission is to help beef up terrorist targeted states, mostly the United States and the European Union on the war against terrorism.

On the other hand, I want to inform you that I and my partner (Trooper James Anthony Leverett) have the sum of 43Million USD, which we got from a crude oil deal in Iraq before he was killed by an explosion while on a vehicle patrol. Due to this incident, I want you to receive these funds on my behalf as far as I can be assured that my share will be safe in your care until I complete my service here (in Afghanistan) and come over to meet with you. Since we are working here on Official capacity, I cannot keep these funds hence my contacting you.

I guarantee and ensure you that this is a risk free deal. I want you to know that we have successfully moved these funds out with the help of a Red Cross agent; I will inform you where the fund is as I hear back from you. All i want is your acceptance to receive these funds on my behalf, Since the death of my partner, my life is not guaranteed here anymore, so I have decided to share these funds with you, than the funds being dumped at a great risk.

I want you to tell me how much you will take from this money for the assistance you will give to me. One passionate appeal I will make to you is not to discuss this matter with anybody, should you have reasons to reject this offer, please and please destroy this message as any leakage of this information will be too bad for us as soldiers here in Afghanistan. I do not know how long we will remain here, and I have been shot, wounded and survived so many suicide bomb attacks, this and other reasons I will mention later to you. I honestly want this matter to be resolved immediately, please contact me as soon as possible on my e-mail msg.raywilton@gmail.com which is my only way of communication for now.

Regards,
M/SGT Raymond Wilton.”

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Unfortunately, I don’t have any place to safely keep $43,000,000.00, so it seemed only fair to share this opportunity. (BTW – anybody who considers responding to his email must register immediately as a certified moron.)

When you are a child, the kitchen is a wondrous place. Its where the adults go to play with fire and boiling water and really sharp knives, turning meats and plants and spices into great things to eat.  And the aromas of fresh baked bread, chocolate chip cookies, sauces and soups…….
At some point, mom doesn’t shoo you out anymore, she lets you watch. Then she lets you help. You get to measure things, break eggs, mix stuff up, and sometimes lick the spoon. You feel like a grown up. But danger lurks in the kitchen, and children don’t really appreciate it. Mom always said to be careful, the knives are sharp, and whatever you do, DON’T TOUCH THE STOVE!!. But you do touch it, anyway. And you get burned. That’s what children do.

Milo Yiannopoulos has been playing in the kitchen for the past few years, acting all grown up, doing adult things with his cutting repartee and use of spicy subjects, breaking egg after egg of societal norms and generally acceptable behavior. The rakish gay conservative pundit had climbed up on the kitchen chair, and sliced and diced all manner of things without once cutting his fingers. He was so proud and confident, and thought he could do no wrong. He was profoundly mistaken.

In a three hour expletive-filled podcast earlier this year, Milo opined that that consensual homosexual encounters between sexually mature young boys and older men were not only acceptable, but could be emotionally and psychologically beneficial to coming-of-age gays. He said that age-of-consent laws were too restrictive on sexual activity, and used his own experience of losing his virginity to an older man when he was 13 years old in support of his position. When those comments came to light in the adult world of the mainstream news, Milo had touched the stove. And he was burned, badly.
From gay internet sensation and conservative celebrity to unemployed ex-Breitbart editor in less time than it takes to slow cook a pot roast.
Indeed, kitchens are dangerous places for the children.