A three-foot continental giant rabbit named Simon allegedly died in the cargo hold while traveling on a United Airlines flight from London’s Heathrow Airport to Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport.

“Simon,” a giant bunny which was expected to mature into the largest rabbit in the world, was DOA when it was off-loaded at the airport.

The news of the rabbit’s demise was profoundly important, as most people had no idea that there was such a thing as four foot tall rabbits that you could see even when you were not profoundly intoxicated.

A United Airlines spokesperson offered condolences and an upgrade to business class to the breeder, Annette Edwards, who is an ex-Playboy Bunny (you can’t make this stuff up!)

*Guests to the memorial services for Simon will be treated to pale lager and hasenpfeffer.

 

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*Actually, this part is made up….

Dr. David Dao received a world of sympathy after a video surfaced of him being dragged off an overbooked United Airlines flight yesterday. There was an insane amount of public outcry over social media, scolding the company for their use of violent force. Some called for a boycott of the airline, while others attacked the authorities onboard for forcibly removing the man. Either way, it appeared that everyone was on the side of Dr. David Dao.
Today people have a different view of the man they pitied, after news emerged that he was found guilty of soliciting sexual offenses in exchange for medical treatment several years ago. These criminal charges resulted in sanctions being placed on Dr. Dao’s ability to practice medicine in the state of Kentucky. I loved this at first, because the internet is almost always too quick to judge the character of so-called “victims”. However, I grew disappointed that readers would think I formed my opinion based on Dr. Dao’s past transgressions and not the events that happened on the plane. Well, I don’t really care what anyone thinks at this point, so let’s look at the situation in further depth.

Unlike a majority of the world, I never felt an ounce of sympathy for this man. To be honest, I think that he’s pathetic excuse for a human being. As a result, I sided with United and here’s why:

1. United is within their rights to forcibly remove anyone they want to from a flight (along with any other airline). Now don’t get me wrong. It’s extremely inconvenient that they overbooked the flight and passengers were randomly selected to be removed. Trust me, if I were the guy getting stuck at the airport, waiting on my next flight home, I would be totally pissed off too. But that doesn’t change that the airline was well within their rights to remove Dr. Dao. If it were me, based on my usual brushes with authority, I would’ve reluctantly gotten up, threw out some passive aggressive comments to the assholes escorting me off and collected the cash United offered in the first place. Why stop there? I’d probably try to milk out some extra miles too. It’s a crappy situation, but I’d just have to deal with it.

2. Dr. Dao sitting on the plane and refusing to leave until he’s dragged off like a sack of potatoes is why I hate humanity. Going limp and saying that you want to die? Come on, buddy. Where’s your self-respect? Where’s your manhood? Getting up and leaving the flight was an option until this guy threw a tantrum. The world has reached a level of childish entitlement that allows people to believe that they aren’t accountable for their actions as adults. Children have the option of screaming and crying until they get what they want. Unfortunately, adults aren’t allowed that luxury and are often forced to compromise. It’s a huge inconvenience most of the time, but acting responsibly usually doesn’t result in a busted lip.

3. The viral video turned into a stream of racist allegations towards United. I fail to see how randomly selecting anyone on a flight and asking them to leave is an issue of race. We live in a land of immigrants and people of all races are going to be subjected to the law. This man wasn’t harmed because he’s Asian. He was harmed because he refused to comply with police and learned that he should have taken the easy way out.
The internet needs to stop victimizing people who don’t deserve to be victimized. This guy sat at a fork in the road and decided to take the bumpy path. As a result, people have seen Dr. Dao at his lowest of lows and learned about his past transgressions. If he just sucked it up like a majority us would have, he wouldn’t be the world’s newest internet meme. Either way, I’m sure United will end up settling even if Dr. Dao doesn’t deserve a penny.

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Pops Says:

Nobody is without fault on this one.  United Airlines stock took a hit on the Dow, and Dao took a hit on United.  ‘Sounds fair to me.

History shows that it is not the people that you worry about that will get you – it’s the folks that act behind the scenes, in places that you never heard of before, that will end up getting you killed.

“There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don’t know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don’t know we don’t know.” Donald Rumsfeld

The U.S Civil War began in 1861 when cannon fire from Confederate artillery rained down on Fort Sumter, a small island in Charleston Harbor. Over 618,000 Americans died.

World War I was sparked in 1914 when Archduke Ferdinand was assassinated by a Serbian nationalist in Sarajevo. 17 million died.

The Ebola virus was first seen in 1976 in a dying storekeeper at a cotton factory in South Sudan. Tens of thousands have since died.

The world’s worst nuclear disaster happened at the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant in 1986, outside of Pripyat, USSR, spreading radioactive contamination over thousands of miles.

The Black Death of Europe started when a ship landed at Messina, Sicily, in 1347 carrying dead and dying Genoese sailors. 20 million Europeans died over the following five years.

And prior to December 7, 1941, few people had heard of Pearl Harbor, Hawaii.

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Whatever it will be that gets us, we will probably never see it coming.

With that in mind, enjoy every day to the fullest. Sleep well, my friends, for tomorrow holds unknowable surprises.